Your face is busted . . . (x3)

Seriously, discuss amongst yourselves, the following three ugly women are universally pitched to me as "hot." I'm sure there are plenty more, and I would include guys, but I'm not qualified to comment on them - you know, being handsome and all.

1. Renee Zellweger - if her eyes got any smaller and more beady, she'd be a rat. In fact, her cheeks already appear to be no more than food storage pouches. I swear, if I see her, I'll punch her (but that's really an entirely different topic).

2. Sarah Jessica Parker - Am I wrong that her head is so disproportionately large that she could star, without any makeup or prosthetic, in a live action Peanuts movie? Seriously, not a good-looking human being. Also, I don't want to hear about her contribution to fashion. "Fashion" is a scam ladies. Listen, your clothes are only as good looking as you are. Get out of the mall (unless your gym is located there).

3. Nicole Richie - do I really have to comment. She looks kind of like a mix between a frog, a shar-pei, and something else that's bone chillingly ugly.

Kid Handsome