Wednesday, July 20, 2005


I found Jesus today. Well, actually it was more like I saw Jesus today. I’m not sure the Son of God really could be all that lost.

Anyway, normally I park a couple of blocks away from where I work. It’s a lot cheaper to do so there and the three-dollar a day difference saves me fifteen bucks a week. Fifteen dollars a week translates into two additional six packs a week. I’ll walk 6 blocks a day for 12 beers, the walk per drink ratio works out to about 4.8 ounces of beer per block. No too shabby a deal for a thirsty man.

So any way, I’m walking down this alley heading towards work and at the intersection ahead of me I see Jesus.

He was there in all his glory, flowing robes, beard, bloody nose, and a 45 in his hand. He appeared to be glowing and I heard angels singing. Truly, he IS the light of the world.

We made eye contact for a split second. He gave me a head nod as he moseyed up the sidewalk. Love and bliss washed over me. Then he was gone.

I hurried to the crossroad ahead of me. It was too late though. He was nowhere to be seen.

Though our contact was brief, I couldn’t ask for more. I was filled with peace.

For a few moments I just stood there looking down an ordinary street, with ordinary busses, ordinary businessmen and ordinary bums. Stood there looking down a street where just a few seconds ago an absolutely extraordinary event happened.

Something was a little odd though I began to feel. Something seemed a little strange. I’ve met celebrity before, met Merle Haggard once. So I was sure that wasn’t it.

Then it occurred to me, I always thought that Jesus would be right handed, but that 1911 was in his left hand. I did that little thumb and pointer finger thing to be sure. You know, the one where you hold your hands up, thumbs together index fingers pointing up. The hand that forms an "L” is your left.

After my test I knew I was right, he was holding his gun in his left hand. When I got home, I thought to myself, I would have to check out da Vinci’s Last Supper. It seems to me that in that particular painting Jesus was making a reach for a dinner roll or some shit with his right hand. It didn’t really matter though. No need to let details get in the way. Hell, if I didn’t mind calling that dead Italian “da Vinci,” which just means “from Venice,” then why would I care if Jesus was right or left handed. Besides, I’m guessing Jesus Christ could probably shoot from both hands.

At that point I shrugged. Smile on my face, feeling… well… just fantastic I headed off to work.



Blogger Rev. Brandy said...

Apparently, Jesus is in Baltimore.


10:21 AM  
Blogger Chowda said...

For a minute there I really thought you were going to tell me you got mugged and raped again...do you still have your wallet?

11:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is Jesus Bono?

2:07 PM  
Blogger The Management said...

Yes, Jesus is Bono. What we all thought was the Trinity is actually the Quadrinity.

Jesus has always wanted to be a rocker. That's why he created Jesus Jones (who disappointed him by saying "money wasn't meant for the poor" - that damnable free will notion).


11:52 PM  
Blogger The Management said...

Ummm.. this was fiction... It didn't really happen... thank you...


9:32 AM  

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