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Thursday, July 21, 2005

Hollywood chugs cock these days....

For real. I am so sick of all the unoriginal crap that those in charge of Hollywood are producing now. I’m going to seriously stop sending almost ANY money that might makes it’s way back to Hollywood. (Serenity is the one exception I can think of off hand).

In the movie theaters these days there are what? One or maybe two movies that are worth seeing. One or two movies created in a whole year that don't suck?. Who the hell are they fooling (not many apparently the way they bitch about dropping revenue)? If this crap keeps up I might even just start pirating movies.

Lets look at the garbage they're pushing off on us lately, and see if we can see a trend.

Dukes of Hazzard
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Bad News Bears
The Longest Yard
Starskey and Hutch
The Grudge
The Ring
Manchurian Candidate
Flight of the Phoenix
King Kong
Cheaper by the Dozen
Oceans 11 (and 12)
Freaky Friday
War of the Worlds

And I’m sure I missed a bunch more… You see the trend though? Where's something NEW? Anything NEW?

Hollywood, has been selling us the same shit BACK to us over and over again ‘NOW WITH MORE EXPLOSIONS!’ Are there any new ideas left out there? The RIAA bitches about dropping record sales when all they are selling us is crap. Now the MPAA is bitching that their dropping ticket sales are due to pirates? Bull shit, it’s because they are selling crap. Sell crap, revenue goes down. I’ve seen War of the Worlds. Adding an idiot Scientologist actor does not make me want to see the same movie again (and no Bob, burning trains don’t make me wanna see the movie either). Stop giving me the same stupid story over and over again with new and prettier pictures. HELLO Stupid fucks; a PT Cruiser is a Dodge Neon with a new body. A prettier outside doesn’t make it any less of a piece of shit. Adding a CGI anything don't make a shitty movie a good movie.

Why though? Why is this happening? Is it because writers are so mad crazy expensive? Are they demanding salaries that make Tom Cruise’s pay checks look like cab fare? Or is it that spending less on actors and special effects, and more on creativity is a riskier proposition? Well I’ll tell you one thing. YOU WILL NOT BE GETTING MY $10 FOR ANY REMAKES. EVER. I’m even going to cut back on book adaptation movies. Seriously, remove comic book movies, book movies, old movie remakes, Japanese movie remakes, Japanese anime re-dubbed in English, and old TV show remakes… HOW MANY MOVIES ARE LEFT?

Fucked if I know, but I doubt it’s more than a handful.

Because I’m thinking about movies, here are my ten or so favorite movies, in no particular order (be to hard to order these). TAKE NOTE HOLLYWOOD. FIND OUT WHY THESE DON'T SUCK NONE. These are movies I can watch over and over again. Quality movies. It just feels good to watch these movies. Good Stories. Good characters. Good Writing. Good acting.

See, it’s not that hard to make a good movie. All you need is a good story, characters, writing, and acting. Boobs help too, but are not necessary. If only George Lucas wasn’t surrounded by suck asses someone might get that message off to him (hell if he’s going to continue to write crap he could at least have Natalie Portman get topless). I’m not holding my breath though ('You're so beautiful.' 'It's only because I’m so in love.' 'No, it's because I’m so in love with you.'… Way to write a script asshole… Even IF they had any acting talent how could anyone make those lines work?).

Anyway, here’s some of my favorite moves.

Big Trouble in Little China – Is it action, is it Kung fu, is it comedy?… No, it’s just a goddamn movie, that’s all. No need to classify it. Great one liners (“Everybody relax, I'm here.” Or “Just remember what ol' Jack Burton does when the earth quakes, the poison arrows fall from the sky, and the pillars of Heaven shake. Yeah, Jack Burton just looks that big old storm right in the eye and says, "Give me your best shot. I can take it."). Jack Burton is such a great anti-hero that if Ash wasn’t the archetype, he would be.

Harvey - Harvey always reminds me that simple things are often best. Plus it always make me wanna drink some Gin. I know it was a play first. Shut up. Jimmy Stewart acts against an invisible 6-foot tall rabbit (“Six feet three and a half inches. Now let's stick to the facts”) and does so magically. A near perfect movie.

Father Goose - “All of ‘em Frank.” Cary Grants penultimate movie and also one of his favorites. Grant said in an interview, he liked play Mr. Eckland so much because it was the character he felt was most like himself. The story isn’t super but what makes this movie stand out is the characters. You really root against the annoying woman and kids but it’s worth watching just because Grants character is so damn likable.

Captain Ron - I hate Martin Short. I love this movie. Go figure. Kurt Russell plays the best … I don’t even know. You expect him to be full of shit, but time after time he’s right. Such a great movie. It makes me want to be one of the people in the movie.

Ghost Busters - Enough said.

House 2 - Cliff from Cheers makes an appearance as an Electrician / Adventurer who isn’t even remotely surprised when the housees wiring the problem is due to a gate to another dimension. That should be enough there, but no… There’s more! It’s got guys drinking with their 120 year old grandfathers (whom they recently dug up from his grave), dinosaurs, 80’s glam-rocker, cowboys, giant “puppy dog worms” and Incan Princesses.

The Bishops Wife – Cary Grant doing what he does best, this time as an Angel. This isn’t just a holiday movie it’s a wonderful pick me up movie any time of year. Even the cabbies have something to say “The main trouble is there are too many people who don't know where they're going and they want to get there too fast!” (Hmmm, wise Cabby in Harvey as well).

Fight Club – Brilliant and original. One of the best-written movies ever made.

Sergeant York - The day I saw Sergeant York I swore off color movies forever. That didn’t last, but this is still one of the best movies ever made. I was amazed at how much you grow to care about the characters in this movie. The acting was perfect, the writing was phenomenal, and the CGI was… well it was non-existent and the movie still kicked ass. Take note Hollywood. Add in that it was a true story and that I almost cried. Well it’s on this list for a reason.

Rushmore - Wes Anderson’s finest movie. As with Royal Tennenbaums and Life Aquatic the story is pretty simple, but complex characters elevate the movie to a level that is worth thinking over. Bill Murrey’s finest role.

Operation Petticoat - Cary Grant again. The movie just makes me smile every time I watch it. No matter how many times I do watch it. Can’t say that about a lot of movies. “When a girl is under 21 she's protected by law. When she's over 65 she's protected by nature. Anywhere in between, she's fair game. Look out.”

Patton - It’s Patton. I mean for real. I get choked up when I watch this thing.

Honorable mentions… Well, all Audrey Hepburn movies…Just ‘cause I love her. Roman Holiday, How to Steal a Million and My Fair Lady stand out the most. Then there are about 30 or 40 others which I could add. What this proves though is that Hollywood CAN make good original movies if they try. WHY OH WHY WON’T THEY TRY?

Otter

10 Comments:

Blogger Rev. Brandy said...

OK . . . I had no idea you were busy writing this, Otter. And another amusingly frustrated, pissed-off rant it is. Bravo!

I would like to clarify one thing: In my post, I didn't say "Wedding Crashers" was original; I just said it was funny. And I thought it was. Vince Vaughn is hilarious.

One observation about Hollywood is the R-rated comedy has vanished over the past several years, leaving us with the homogenized PG-13 comedy which just is never as funny as some honest, in-your-face, bawdy, dirty, adult humor. "Wedding Crashers" is for grown-ups, and its humor doesn't come from (albeit, they are funny) Farrelly brothers gags. It's the dialogue that kills. It's just funny.

2:01 PM  
Blogger Chowda said...

I can't believe you left out National Lampoon's movies - Animal House, Vacation or Blues Brothers or Caddyshack!...solid flicks. Where is Chevy Chase these days?????

I heard Lundy always like that gay porn that featured Otter...

3:26 PM  
Blogger The Management said...

Good point Randy, Animal House is a great movie... it's just not in my top 10... it's up there... oh yes it's up there... Caddy Shack and Blues Brothers too.

As for Gay Otter porn... It's called PBS. Otters don't wear the cloths! Lunddy mught be gay though.

Can't wait to see you at ASK's wedding.

Otter... Still pissed at something.

4:03 PM  
Blogger Linda said...

I can definitely see where you are coming from. I saw War of the Worlds and liked it a good deal, but I hated to spend $9.50 to see it. Other than Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (love Johnny Depp, so it is a must see for me), there is not a movie out there that I want to see.

I am a fan of the classics and I too, love Audrey Heburn movies, but not for the same reason that you do. I liked the African Queen and Casablanca (first movie that Bob and I saw together). I loved Pulp Fiction. I also love just about anything that the Coen Brothers do (Fargo, The Big Lebowski, Barton Fink, O Brother Where Art Thou?, etc). I think that their movies are wonderful, funny and dark at the same time, with incredible characters. I also liked the BBC version of Pride and Predjudice, I have seen it at least 20 times. In the last two years one of my favorite movies was the Motorcycle Diaries. It was filmed beautifully and I loved the story. The only downside was subtitles. I also like the more off-beat movies that Ewan Mcgregor does and I loved the movie The Full Monty (got a thing for British movies and guys).

A list of ten favorites would be hard for me to come up with, because I lack the knowledge to come up with an appropriate list. If I truly see a movie that I feel is original, I will make sure to let you know and I would appreciate if you did the same.

5:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Captain Ron, huh??? Sounds like you got something for Kurt Russell. I hope Hollywood goes Bankrupt. Personally, I think many conservative leaning people stop going to the movies because they are sick and tired of celeberties trying to tell us how to vote and think. Buying a movie ticket now a days is like making a contribution to the DNC. That is why I won't see certain movies staring certain stars. Add Tom Crusie to the list for being such arrogant prick on psych matters.---ASK PS Otter, are you named after the Otter from Animal House?

8:22 AM  
Blogger bob_vinyl said...

I dunno how I'm friends with a guy who doesn't appreciate a burning train. It was like your bonfire, but bigger and moving along at like 80 miles per hour! What's not to love! Fire is ALWAYS a good substitute for plot or originiality. They could just make movies with stuff on fire and I'd pay to see it!

9:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"chugs cock"

brilliant

8:03 PM  
Blogger The Management said...

ASK - Maybe... I'm not sure.. It just sorta happened.

Otter

9:31 AM  
Blogger Chowda said...

ASK - I couldn't agree with you more. It's insanely frustrating to me that actors who feel the need to speak. Someone should draw out the "lifecycle" of an actor's career - it starts at a humble beginning, someone gets noticed, shortly after starts getting giant paychecks, confidence builds, and then a light swtich goes on that the "englightened few" suddenly need to condemn the masses on issues they read about in Newsweek yesterday... I have to pull a Spidy quote here - "with great power comes great responsibility."

Worse here is that the impact of non-educated fools addressing the massess just results in a society of misinformation. It becomes an endless cycle of chaos and disorder that in the end, really doesn't change the issue at hand, but puts dollars in the actor's pocket from all that media exposure. What a shameful way of life.

10:07 AM  
Blogger rusticus1773 said...

Wow. You sure this is you writting, Otterboy?

No, I know we agree on movies pretty well. I will take your recommendations seriously. After all, you introduced me to whatever the fuck that movie with the Golden Showers and Trace Busta-Busta was, and Fear of a Black Hat. And Spinal Tap. Not that S.W. movies are good indicators.

And sorry about perpetuating that 45-minute slug scene rumor. Hehe heh. But it was funny.

12:59 AM  

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