Friday, January 20, 2006


Today I was merging onto I-95. It’s a “pleasure” I endure every day I have to go to work. Anyway, this morning my fellow commuters were nowhere near as considerate as I usually am, and wouldn’t allow me to enter the highway.

The choice I was presented with was 1) slamming on my breaks and attempting a “re-merge” at 20 miles an hour or 2) going balls to the walls and speeding up and slipping between a minivan and a tractor trailer.

I chose number two because, and I said this to myself out loud, “I ain’t no punk bitch!”

Downshifting, speeding up, and swerving into place I was successful with my maneuver and only scared the idiot (who wouldn’t let me over in the first place) a little bit.

However, it occurred to me that “I ain’t no punk bitch” isn’t a phrase in common usage. Not many people have heard it and I wanna change that. It’s pretty darn useful as a taunt or even a self psyche-out. In some circles it can be even more influential than a double dog dare.

IANPB (I ain’t no punk bitch for short) is a double negative. I know that. According to some schools of though, double negatives are an acceptable form of expression, not mine, but I still think IANPB is the one exception to the rule.

I think a little background may be helpful. Let me give you a little history on the birth of the phrase that has so changed my life for the better.

Several years ago I was living, in what can easiestly be described as a crack hood, with my brother. The event took place one night after a day of “stooping it” (for some, “stooping it” may need a definition, for those of you that need it, I’m not providing it. Here’s a hint though, think of your front steps as a “Stoop”). My two brothers and I were pretty drunk and having a good time.

My uncle came to visit and I was retelling a tale of how my brother and I got into a fist fight after I accused him of cheating in a foot race that we had the week before after stooping it all day. At one point brother 1 and brother 2 (I’m brother 3 in this tale) decided to race. My uncle who though this was ridiculous, chimed in “Why don’t you make this a little harder by carrying this weights with you,” thinking neither would do it and would defuse the race.

At his feet were 2 thirty-five pound weights.

Brother 1 looked at brother 2 and said, “I ain’t no punk bitch.” Brother 2 said to brother 1 “I ain’t no punk bitch either.”

From there they ran that mile through the hood carrying their 30 pound weights much to the delight of the late night denizens who cheered them on. One crack whore in particular yelled encouragement to them “Run white boy, run.”

That day forward IANPB is a expression you just can’t avoid.

“I don’t want another shot”…
“Damn, I ain’t no punk bitch either, give me one”

“I don’t want to play catch with an ax”… (real event)
“Damn, I ain’t no punk bitch either, lets go”

It works anywhere.

So next time you need to call someone a pansy for not following your lead, don’t waste your time daring someone. Don’t call them names… just let the world know YOU AIN’T NO PUNK BITCH.

Otter (who, by the way, ain’t no punk bitch).


Blogger Kid Handsome said...

I'm going to vouch for Otter not bein' no punk bitch. I will also spare you my story of the first time I ever heard it (It was in Tennessee, involved my friend "Sterl the Pearl", a lawnmower, a case of beer and an all night drinking event). The Pearl wadn't no punk-bitch either.

For the record the Otter family is the only other group of people who I have ever heard (properly) use this sentence as a normal part of their vernacular.

Da' Kid

3:55 PM  
Blogger ZooooM said...

You guys remind me of the Beastie Boys.

10:31 PM  
Blogger Chowda said...

Well you DID have long hair once...that could make you a bitch.

9:23 PM  
Blogger The Management said...

Chowda... I'm going to smack you down. My pony tail was tough.


4:55 PM  

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