Straight outta KH's hood.

It's not often Maryville TN makes the news.

Otter

Vegetarians, food poisoning, and Dan Aykroyd

Bad News Hughs did it again. If you don't read him regulary, you should. This is a perfect example of what a well crafted story should read like. Plus it's funny as crap.

Otter

Do I look fat?

No, not me, the link - stolen from this Althouse post (comments are funny) - tells you how to answer the question. It's a lesson in how to think, not what to think.

Kid H.

I love the Internet...

The Internet gives voice to the teaming masses... and this is one of the things they had to say.

Otter

2 Skinny Js

I saw the 2 Skinnie Js Friday night. It was the last stop of their 5 night “reunion tour”. Before I describe the show, let me set the tone.

Friday sucked. It was hot and I was in a crappy mood. Moreover I was a little disappointed that I was going to have to go to the show by myself. What had happened to all my concert going friends? I hadn’t seen a live show in a club in months and had seen nothing like the Js in years.

So I get to the show, by myself. It’s even hotter inside and I’m surrounded by drunk frat boys and their “too hot for them” girl friends. The opening band starts 45 minutes late. I was wearing khakis. I wasn’t happy.

The first act As Fast As was pretty good. The lead vocal was managed by a really talented, but arrogant guy who belted out some pseudo 70’s tunes. I'd see em again. It was enjoyable, but I wasn’t feeling it. By the end of their set, I was getting a little tired of being on my feet for the last 3 hours and I didn’t know if I even wanted to see the Js anymore. I was almost ready to leave.

So there I am, hot, surround by a bunch of punk kids, feeling old, one person deep from the stage.

Then the Js walk out. No grand entrances like I had seen them do in the past. They just wandered out. They looked a little older and I didn’t recognize most of the group. The band members all got in their places, each wearing a homemade white jumper with different color frilly hearts on the front. Then…

…the first notes of Irresistible Force kicked in and the place BLEW UP. 2 seconds in I was caught up in the show. Getting pushed, smashed, jumping up and down hands in the air. It was fantastic.

Those of you that were around when Lundy made that famous “greatest show ever” speech at 3:00 am in apartment 2g will be familiar with the way the rest of this post is going to progress (except this show wasn’t gay).

This was the Greatest Show EVER. Maybe not in terms of musical perfection, there were a handful of mistakes, but the Js put on an act that was pure energy. Start to finish they rocked that club. It was so great to get lost in an act again. It was exactly what I needed.

It’s hard to explain. Even if I was a competent writer I don’t think I could get across the feeling of really loving music. Really getting into an act. Feeling the music wash over you. I know some of the people reading this have never and will never “get it.” It’s like explaining a pit to your grandparents, “…and everyone was pushing an shoving? Sounds horrible Otter.” This show was what I’ve been missing. It was the first Friday night in a long time I wasn’t drinking and I didn’t care at all. I was ecstatic.

It was a good crowd; everyone knew the songs by heart. The Js worked the audience like another one of their instruments. The first 5 songs were played back-to-back non-stop. They played most of their songs From Sing Earth Boy Sing and that blasted through the club. Then, slowing it down a little when everyone needed a rest they played a chill song (dollar signs in her eyes) and then exploding once more again and again.

Up there in the fray, my heart was pounding, I know I should have been tired and out of breath but I wasn’t. When the song demanded it I was there bouncing up and down, feeding it like some pagan sacrifice. I stayed up front for about 10 songs. The only reason I left is I was sweating so much I really began to worry about my health. Really. I hated giving up my spot. It was the type of show that you would land 3 or 4 feet away from where you jumped up depending on the crowd direction.

The 2 Skinny Js played all their best songs finishing once again with 718. I pogoed so much my shins hurt (why my shins, I don’t know). The show was absolutely fantastic, and it was exactly what my soul needed. I just felt good afterwards. Renewed. Younger. Alive.

Otter

The Philly Cheesesteak Blogger

Greetings everyone, my name is The PCSB, and Otter graciously invited me to contribute to your blog (I have been a fan of his for some time). Since I am from Philadelphia, I thought it would be appropriate if my first couple pieces were about Cheesesteaks. In the interest of full discloser, although I have a government and politics background, I now work in the food processing industry.

What do I hope to accomplish by writing about Cheesesteaks? I want to be the first person to document a study about Cheesesteaks from both a food, historical, and cultural standpoint. The following questions and topics will be addressed; What is the difference between a Cheesesteak from Philly vs. elsewhere? What is an authentic Philly Cheesesteak? What are the best cooking methods? Wiz, or not to wiz, and why. Raw onions vs. grilled. And of course the ageless debate, who makes the best Cheesesteaks? I also want to examine the origins of the sandwich, its status, and its future.

Finally, and most important, I want to make the readers at scaggsville.com hungry for America’s new favorite sandwich. Thank you having me on board.

---The PCSB

Hollywood chugs cock these days....

For real. I am so sick of all the unoriginal crap that those in charge of Hollywood are producing now. I’m going to seriously stop sending almost ANY money that might makes it’s way back to Hollywood. (Serenity is the one exception I can think of off hand).

In the movie theaters these days there are what? One or maybe two movies that are worth seeing. One or two movies created in a whole year that don't suck?. Who the hell are they fooling (not many apparently the way they bitch about dropping revenue)? If this crap keeps up I might even just start pirating movies.

Lets look at the garbage they're pushing off on us lately, and see if we can see a trend.

Dukes of Hazzard
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Bad News Bears
The Longest Yard
Starskey and Hutch
The Grudge
The Ring
Manchurian Candidate
Flight of the Phoenix
King Kong
Cheaper by the Dozen
Oceans 11 (and 12)
Freaky Friday
War of the Worlds

And I’m sure I missed a bunch more… You see the trend though? Where's something NEW? Anything NEW?

Hollywood, has been selling us the same shit BACK to us over and over again ‘NOW WITH MORE EXPLOSIONS!’ Are there any new ideas left out there? The RIAA bitches about dropping record sales when all they are selling us is crap. Now the MPAA is bitching that their dropping ticket sales are due to pirates? Bull shit, it’s because they are selling crap. Sell crap, revenue goes down. I’ve seen War of the Worlds. Adding an idiot Scientologist actor does not make me want to see the same movie again (and no Bob, burning trains don’t make me wanna see the movie either). Stop giving me the same stupid story over and over again with new and prettier pictures. HELLO Stupid fucks; a PT Cruiser is a Dodge Neon with a new body. A prettier outside doesn’t make it any less of a piece of shit. Adding a CGI anything don't make a shitty movie a good movie.

Why though? Why is this happening? Is it because writers are so mad crazy expensive? Are they demanding salaries that make Tom Cruise’s pay checks look like cab fare? Or is it that spending less on actors and special effects, and more on creativity is a riskier proposition? Well I’ll tell you one thing. YOU WILL NOT BE GETTING MY $10 FOR ANY REMAKES. EVER. I’m even going to cut back on book adaptation movies. Seriously, remove comic book movies, book movies, old movie remakes, Japanese movie remakes, Japanese anime re-dubbed in English, and old TV show remakes… HOW MANY MOVIES ARE LEFT?

Fucked if I know, but I doubt it’s more than a handful.

Because I’m thinking about movies, here are my ten or so favorite movies, in no particular order (be to hard to order these). TAKE NOTE HOLLYWOOD. FIND OUT WHY THESE DON'T SUCK NONE. These are movies I can watch over and over again. Quality movies. It just feels good to watch these movies. Good Stories. Good characters. Good Writing. Good acting.

See, it’s not that hard to make a good movie. All you need is a good story, characters, writing, and acting. Boobs help too, but are not necessary. If only George Lucas wasn’t surrounded by suck asses someone might get that message off to him (hell if he’s going to continue to write crap he could at least have Natalie Portman get topless). I’m not holding my breath though ('You're so beautiful.' 'It's only because I’m so in love.' 'No, it's because I’m so in love with you.'… Way to write a script asshole… Even IF they had any acting talent how could anyone make those lines work?).

Anyway, here’s some of my favorite moves.

Big Trouble in Little China – Is it action, is it Kung fu, is it comedy?… No, it’s just a goddamn movie, that’s all. No need to classify it. Great one liners (“Everybody relax, I'm here.” Or “Just remember what ol' Jack Burton does when the earth quakes, the poison arrows fall from the sky, and the pillars of Heaven shake. Yeah, Jack Burton just looks that big old storm right in the eye and says, "Give me your best shot. I can take it."). Jack Burton is such a great anti-hero that if Ash wasn’t the archetype, he would be.

Harvey - Harvey always reminds me that simple things are often best. Plus it always make me wanna drink some Gin. I know it was a play first. Shut up. Jimmy Stewart acts against an invisible 6-foot tall rabbit (“Six feet three and a half inches. Now let's stick to the facts”) and does so magically. A near perfect movie.

Father Goose - “All of ‘em Frank.” Cary Grants penultimate movie and also one of his favorites. Grant said in an interview, he liked play Mr. Eckland so much because it was the character he felt was most like himself. The story isn’t super but what makes this movie stand out is the characters. You really root against the annoying woman and kids but it’s worth watching just because Grants character is so damn likable.

Captain Ron - I hate Martin Short. I love this movie. Go figure. Kurt Russell plays the best … I don’t even know. You expect him to be full of shit, but time after time he’s right. Such a great movie. It makes me want to be one of the people in the movie.

Ghost Busters - Enough said.

House 2 - Cliff from Cheers makes an appearance as an Electrician / Adventurer who isn’t even remotely surprised when the housees wiring the problem is due to a gate to another dimension. That should be enough there, but no… There’s more! It’s got guys drinking with their 120 year old grandfathers (whom they recently dug up from his grave), dinosaurs, 80’s glam-rocker, cowboys, giant “puppy dog worms” and Incan Princesses.

The Bishops Wife – Cary Grant doing what he does best, this time as an Angel. This isn’t just a holiday movie it’s a wonderful pick me up movie any time of year. Even the cabbies have something to say “The main trouble is there are too many people who don't know where they're going and they want to get there too fast!” (Hmmm, wise Cabby in Harvey as well).

Fight Club – Brilliant and original. One of the best-written movies ever made.

Sergeant York - The day I saw Sergeant York I swore off color movies forever. That didn’t last, but this is still one of the best movies ever made. I was amazed at how much you grow to care about the characters in this movie. The acting was perfect, the writing was phenomenal, and the CGI was… well it was non-existent and the movie still kicked ass. Take note Hollywood. Add in that it was a true story and that I almost cried. Well it’s on this list for a reason.

Rushmore - Wes Anderson’s finest movie. As with Royal Tennenbaums and Life Aquatic the story is pretty simple, but complex characters elevate the movie to a level that is worth thinking over. Bill Murrey’s finest role.

Operation Petticoat - Cary Grant again. The movie just makes me smile every time I watch it. No matter how many times I do watch it. Can’t say that about a lot of movies. “When a girl is under 21 she's protected by law. When she's over 65 she's protected by nature. Anywhere in between, she's fair game. Look out.”

Patton - It’s Patton. I mean for real. I get choked up when I watch this thing.

Honorable mentions… Well, all Audrey Hepburn movies…Just ‘cause I love her. Roman Holiday, How to Steal a Million and My Fair Lady stand out the most. Then there are about 30 or 40 others which I could add. What this proves though is that Hollywood CAN make good original movies if they try. WHY OH WHY WON’T THEY TRY?

Otter

Jesus

I found Jesus today. Well, actually it was more like I saw Jesus today. I’m not sure the Son of God really could be all that lost.

Anyway, normally I park a couple of blocks away from where I work. It’s a lot cheaper to do so there and the three-dollar a day difference saves me fifteen bucks a week. Fifteen dollars a week translates into two additional six packs a week. I’ll walk 6 blocks a day for 12 beers, the walk per drink ratio works out to about 4.8 ounces of beer per block. No too shabby a deal for a thirsty man.

So any way, I’m walking down this alley heading towards work and at the intersection ahead of me I see Jesus.

He was there in all his glory, flowing robes, beard, bloody nose, and a 45 in his hand. He appeared to be glowing and I heard angels singing. Truly, he IS the light of the world.

We made eye contact for a split second. He gave me a head nod as he moseyed up the sidewalk. Love and bliss washed over me. Then he was gone.

I hurried to the crossroad ahead of me. It was too late though. He was nowhere to be seen.

Though our contact was brief, I couldn’t ask for more. I was filled with peace.

For a few moments I just stood there looking down an ordinary street, with ordinary busses, ordinary businessmen and ordinary bums. Stood there looking down a street where just a few seconds ago an absolutely extraordinary event happened.

Something was a little odd though I began to feel. Something seemed a little strange. I’ve met celebrity before, met Merle Haggard once. So I was sure that wasn’t it.

Then it occurred to me, I always thought that Jesus would be right handed, but that 1911 was in his left hand. I did that little thumb and pointer finger thing to be sure. You know, the one where you hold your hands up, thumbs together index fingers pointing up. The hand that forms an "L” is your left.

After my test I knew I was right, he was holding his gun in his left hand. When I got home, I thought to myself, I would have to check out da Vinci’s Last Supper. It seems to me that in that particular painting Jesus was making a reach for a dinner roll or some shit with his right hand. It didn’t really matter though. No need to let details get in the way. Hell, if I didn’t mind calling that dead Italian “da Vinci,” which just means “from Venice,” then why would I care if Jesus was right or left handed. Besides, I’m guessing Jesus Christ could probably shoot from both hands.

At that point I shrugged. Smile on my face, feeling… well… just fantastic I headed off to work.

Otter

Victim ordered to wed rapist

I will never understand how "feminists" can be opposed to the wars in Iraq and Afganastan. Liberals are so damn nuanced.

Otter

Half Blood Prince....

Fucking hard core.

Otter

If I liked Kid Handsome some more....

I would spend $17.99 on him. Unfortunatly, I only like him $13.99 worth.

Otter...

Quick follow-up to Otter's Africa Post

Just click the link . . .

KH

Quick Driving Question

Why do some people, when stopping at a stop-light with no cars ahead of them, stop about a car length in front of the white line*. I find this creepy and question the morality of people who do this. Does anyone else think we should implement some kind of penalty for these people (e.g. You have just been awarded 15 stupid points - 5 more and you are banned from the country)

El Cabrito Heromoso

* I considered the viability of such a move in certain turn lanes, but then decided it is still a stupid and creepy move.

Installment I - The World According To Garc

E-mail - To: Garc

Garc,

Let's run away and move to Fiji and live on the beach, carefree, for the rest of our lives.

Love - J


Response from Garc

fiji?
tsunami risk fiji?
how about a nice condo in Butte, Montana with a picture of the beach on the wall?
i will get you a pillow with sand filling and flip flops and a tanning bed, so you can grow old on the "beach"
i suggest SPF 50 and converting to judaism just to be safe. then when the polar ice caps finish melting and the earth is flooded all of the refugees from florida will show up in what will then be waterfront property in Butte Montana and we will look like geniuses.

or, rather, i will look like a genius.

you will look like a 50 year old jewish lady with mad sun damage, a bad neck from the sand pillow and fallen arches from the flip flops.

i will still love you though

Traído a usted por el cabrito hermoso (For you wretched anglocentrists out there: Brought to you by Kid Handsome -btw "el cabrito hermoso" rocks.

How to save money on the Space Shuttle

See, the way I figure it, the space shuttle is really useless as a legitimate project of NASA anymore. The pundits seem to believe that our best science is really done on unmanned missions - like the Hubbell Telescope and the Mars Rover landing.

All we do anymore on manned missions is study the effect of weightlessness on ants or somesuch stuff. Apparently, the costs of these missions are insane. My idea is to send up Jeff Corwin or the Crocodile Hunter and have them study the effects of weightlessness on alligator wrestling - AND, we make it pay per view.

Can you imagine the drama of some dude getting bitten by a poisonous snake and having to make it 38,000 miles to dock with the International Space station - or getting bitten by an alligator and having to self-tie some sort of tourniquet. I would pay to see that shit, and I imagine so would a ton of other people - NASA could at least pay for a rocket booster that way.

You're welcome, NASA.

Very Truly Yours,

Kid Handsome

Take it back....

Go to this site. Read the materials. Sign the petition.

Otter....

Do it NOW.

A Cure for an accursed habit?

Ironically, it took a phone company named Virgin mobile phones to introduce a feature that will allow you to block a phone number so that you can't pull the ever embarassing Drunk Dial. That means no more restraining order violations for me and, well, Otter, you can't call anyone drunk anymore.

Sorry to post over the top of your post Otter, but I'm just trying to make you happy again.

Kid H

Eat Me!

. . . is what I would tell you if this comes to fruition, or meatition as the case may be. I also think I just solved Otter's Africa problem below.

KH

Live8

Wow. I guess I really haven’t posted in a while. Sorry. Despite what KH might say about this, I’ve actually been a little less angry at the world, hence, less posting. It’s not to say that there isn’t things to be pissed at, its just it takes a lot of energy to be mad all the time. Opinions, done right, require thought and work and shouldn’t just be pulled out of ones ass. Sure I could babble about things with out thought or reflection (sending Karl Rove to jail. hehehe), but these days I would rather sit out side, drink a beer and enjoy the weather.

However, since I have been promising this for a while, I guess I should post something here on Scaggsville. To be fair to all of our readers, I think it should be something that will piss about half of you off. Keeps everyone involved, lets people feel included.

Thankfully over the 4th of July weekend I was in the mountains and missed all of the Live8 hullaballu. I’ve heard from others that MTV cut away from a fantastic Pink Floyd show to talk about Tom Cruise’s new pimple on his ass or something like that. I read a few articles about how they were going to save Africa by taking .07 percent of our GDP, bla bla bla. Basically I missed it all.

The only bit of Live8 I did see was U2 for about 20 seconds (needed a new beer and the TV was on re-running it when I went inside to get a drink). Bono gave some speech about saving 3 million Africans a week from mosquito bites. Well that just pissed me off (DDT, could save over 100 million kids a year world wide... but hey, lets believe junk science. ) So how did he propose we do that? I’ll tell you how… BY TAKING MY MONEY.

Well that 20 seconds got me pissed off enough to start a thinkin’ about Africa.

What really spits in my gravy (just made that up) about all this Live8 crap is that it perfectly reflects liberal idealism. Lets do things that FEEL right, that make US FEEL better. Africa doesn’t need US to feel better, it needs real solutions to fix it’s real problems. Throwing money at a problem doesn’t make it better and sometimes it makes it worse. Moreover, I don’t wake every morning, go to work, pay my taxes (under threat of violence) and have some corrupt U.N. official can get rich or some tribal Warlord abuse his citizens all so some millionaire rock artists can tell me how Americans are too wealthy and need to give more (while each received a $12,000 “goodie bag”).

Africa is a continent of vast natural wealth. Everything from oil to heavy metals to diamonds to farmland is standing right there looking them in the eyes and yelling “Hello!”. I don’t want to hear jack shit about colonial oppression, because that’s crap. At the very latest most of Africa was free of European control since the 1960’s. Almost 50 years and one of them can get it right, please. The problems facing Africa today are entirely cultural (may have been different cause in the past, but not so much now – read Guns, Germs, and Steel for a decent study on wealth, power, and sleeping with livestock.)

The first problem Africa faced as non-colonel states was that they inherited liberal western idealism and adopted it as their nations were born. Before World War Two, under European command, Africans were not starving. Africans were not killing each other off by the millions. Enter post WWII and the European Empires collapsing. Western educated Africans fed a bunch of hippy crap in Western schools formed governments that couldn’t run effectively. Wacky liberal ideas taught by the college intelligentsia, ideas that wouldn’t work in the best possible cases. Of coarse they failed in Africa. Thomas Sowell explains this pretty well, though I don’t really agree with his river conclusions. None the less, read his article, why reinvent the wheel right?

The second problem Africa has, is it can’t get past its tribal associations. Clan A just can’t expect Clan B to be slaves or cease to exist just because Clan A wants them too. My extended family doesn’t go around killing off other people’s extended families just because I’m from one side of the mountain and they are from the other. It’s called respect for human rights. Not the crap that the U.N. is pushing, I’m talking real respect for life here. Hello, you people have more in common than you think… Who cares if you are a Hootoo or Watutsi… Jesus Man!, you’re both starving to death when you aren’t killing each other with sticks and knives. PUT THE STICKS DOWN and GROW SOMETHING.

Third big problem. Put DOWN THE DICK. Lets think about this. I’m hungry, I don’t have anything to eat. Lets have some more kids. HELLO, DON’T HAVE ANY MORE KIDS, just put down the dick, step away and GROW SOMETHING. This also relates to AIDS. Millions are dieing from AIDS in Africa. No the CIA didn’t create AIDS. Get over that. If you do have AIDS, RAPING infants to death will not cure you of AIDS. I can’t stress this enough, RAPING INFANTS, BABYS AND OTHER VIRGINS WILL NOT CURE AIDS. The best way to not die from AIDS is not to catch AIDS. Fucking around with everyone in the village and in the neighboring villages is a good way to catch diseases. Try monogamous relationships. A real religion helps that. Not that it’s necessary, hell I don’t wanna be called a crusader, but if you believe in one lifelong partner it sure helps your chances of not getting the HIV.

Fourth problem, where the hell is all the food? As a colony, Rhodesia exported food all over Africa and the world. Everybody ate. As Zimbabwe they can’t even feed themselves. Same stretch of dirt, same crops, same people, different culture in charge. The few people who actually could use the extremely rich farmland to produce something were a handful of white farmers. Well, back to the tribal problems, the new “leader” kills or runs off farmers from the only functioning farms and gives them to all his tribal buddies. Now, not only are people still starving as the fields are left to go bare, machinery rusting, livestock dying, but now the economy is crap too . Same deal with the Ivory Coast same deal with South Africa same deal over and over and over again.

Fifth problem, the few countries that do have stable governments are ruled under sharia law. Guess what, that’s not working for the richest nations in the world, it’s not going to work for you dirt farmers. Islam as a form of government is stuck in the 12th century and doesn’t work. You can’t treat half your population as cattle and expect to prosper. I could speak for days on this…

Sixth problem, international debt. Hold on a second, it’s not what you think hippy. The problem is they borrowed the money, they don’t pay back the money, NO ONE LENDS THEM ANY MORE MONEY. Getting rid of the debt WILL ONLY encourage nations to LEND NO MORE. Debt forgivness is a sure way to trap Africa in prehistory. Africa need to PAY OFF ITS DEBT.

Hand outs, exactly what these rock and roll stars are asking the world to do, is the seventh problem facing Africa. Since the start of the Industrial Revolution the quality of life FOR THE WHOLE WORLD has increased. However, NOT IN ONE CASE has that been through the redistribution of wealth. The creation of wealth, the creation of products, the creation of ideas, and the creation of labor have been and always will be the root of all increases in the betterment of the quality of life. Wealth redistribution, though it FEELS like a good thing to do, does nothing to help the root causes of economic or social disparities. Free money, free food, free services discourages production. It DISCOURAGES THE CREATION OF WEALTH, wealth that helps everyone. The few African farmers who can grow food, why should they grow more than they personally need if their labor is vastly undervalued because of international (read American) relief? I’m not saying don’t assist those in need, but make sure the need is real and not is not continual. Ask the Indians (red dot, not tee pee) how they went from starving 30 years ago to taking crappy American jobs. It wasn’t until after they stopped taking handouts, I can tell you that much.

There are a lot of problems facing Africa, and I can only guess at real solutions to help that continent. They are big problems, real big. However, the ludicrous “feel good” approach only hurts America AND Africa. The only people who benefit from this approach are U.N. bureaucrats, warlords, and whiny liberals who actually think they are doing someone a favor. The one thing I am sure about, is that letting Africans work out there own issues by supporting themselves is the only real way they will develop.

-Otter, who is now all mad and is all worked up instead of being happy and chill.

Just wanted to post something

It's in the middle of the summer, and we've been pretty busy lately, so we haven't been posting much. However, I have assurances that Otter will be posting something soon.

KH